------------
First things first, waiting around on death certificates is veryyyy frustrating..trying to please every single flippin' person is even harder. PLUS I totally can't get the hang of people coming up to me or calling or texting or anything to tell me they are sorry for my loss. I said "thanks" to some elderly woman at church Sunday.."thanks" really Haley really?!?! how rude!! I couldn't even say the entire phrase. uhhh I felt so dumb, I just feel so awkward and I have no idea how to respond ,but they know that right?!? I felt 15 at that exact second and was so odd feeling. I know I'm being hard on myself and I know everyone knows I'm not myself, but dang I need to put on a face or something. This jazz is hard. I have no clue how to act.
D.C finally came in(yesterday) and I get to start the "cancel everything,take control" process after Christmas,boy am I excited. Luckily I have this crazy controlling gene and I know I can get it done,and oddly I'm almost sure I know exactly what to do yet I've never had to be this person ever. weird?! I think so. I have a leader,I know. ((I say :I KNOW: alot.. when really I'm just a clueless hard head., ehh - can you tell I'm all mixed up!?!? shesh
I've still gotta finish going through his room and pack up what everyone wants. I've got a box going for Hunter( I'mma keep it at Elzy) just cause he lives on an island doesn't mean he misses out on dads things. They'll be waiting on him once he's settled. :)
--I got all dads favorite clothes/any fabric that makes me think of him and I'm going to start making baby blankets for the future out of them after Christmas. He'd love that..and I'm pretty pumped about it. I also gathered all his blue jeans ((If you knew him, you know there is a TON)) and I'm going to create my very first "blue jean quilt" out of them! first quilt ever for me to make! I'm going to keep it in his room on his bed.
I grabbed his favorite comfy blue jean shorts( they are super thin,they're so old) I'm going to cut a heart from them and sew it into the inside chest of my wedding dress one day.. and incorporate the pieces in all kind of things for that day and for my future children.
He knows how focused I am of "that day" and you better believe he'll be there:) Probably poking me and tickling my side as I walk down the aisle solo...yes solo at least to the naked eye. I know he'll be right beside me. I want to walk down solo, I don't want Hunter,Uncle Ricky or Uncle Mike to guide me down..its something I need to do..and it's not that they aren't good enough,it's just that I already have my date for that walk..I always have.
.....that day is no where in site as of today, and nooo I'm not making a joke of (pressure) I just know that I know what to do when that day does come and as always I'm going to "let it happen when it happens" I'm in no rush for the next step ..yet if I was to be asked by Mr. JoshE today I'd scream YES! haha
I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and when its supposed to. FIRM. I know life happens..and I know the "next step" will come when I'm ready. I know that every.single.thing happens with a plan behind it. Even losing my Dad, being so young (both of us) there is a reason..I may never know it but I do know he can protect me forever now..in every situation he'll be with me..with Hunt,with Heidi...
he's a hero..don't forget it! we won't
